Feeling total rubbish !

OK I did it last week got past the hurdle of losing 4 stone so was very proud and happy. However this week has been rubbish I mean so so bad!!! I have not had a bad day or two or a bad week I'm gonna be total honest here its been a bad week Ive lost it not exercised lost will power and just acted like I used to and am feeling so crap about it. It was socialising and partying way to much drinking and BBQ's that I thought sod it might as well go the whole hog am gonna put weight on this week anyway( such a bad attitude)

Even tonight knowing I got to weigh in tomorrow I cheated couldn't stop myself just a few days or so of eating rubbish is such a no no as in that fast a time you crave the junk you get the rush n then the come down n hunger pains n eat more n yep there is the vicious circle that all over eaters face and it regains control that quick hence why this has to be changes for life and a battle i always have to fight. Of course i can when slim have naughty weekends n have fun but no more than 2 and i must work to make up for it get in the exercise not ignore my problem like always that's whats got me in to this mess.

I feel so down n tired n drained didn't got to Zumba tonight as I had a bad migraine and I know why because of the rubbish that's been in my system this week hardly had any proper good food and I was having hunger pains n craving carbs and sugar so now n I will so get back on it tomorrow for sure I will need to have a few days withdraw from the junk n salt in my body and it will hurt shrinking my stomach like the start of the diet again n hate that it sucks but its my own dam doing!!!

I can see my chin has grown this week ( vile ) and my stomach is so bloated n I'm just feeling Gross and very very chicken I don't want to go n get weighed i don't want the humiliation its going to be total shame really such a fail I know I will have gone back in to the twelves again after trying so hard to get out of them I'm disgusting really I am.

Yes the fun drinking n that with friends was great but I should of had self control and could of had fun without the extremes there was no need! I always run away and hide but I'm going to go Weight Watchers and pay my £6 for gaining weight ( what a foolish waste n all my own doing again!) I just pray to go Ive not put on half a stone in a week that will be very very bad n way to much but feel its sadly very possible seriously this wasn't no ikkle slip of gaining a few pounds i just lived like the old me n spoilt myself constantly, eating sugar cereal ( big bowls ) toast n cheese or a normal bread sandwich n then Chinese n cake or a BBQ or sausage and mash and days of drinking wine n gin n greedy amounts ( always terrible with the drink )  etc etc eeek!!!!!

So many excuses seeing friends royal wedding sun shinning, bank holiday blah blah but what it boils down to is Ive had a few things on my mind n cheered myself up by having a ball n being Miss party n lets treat myself with food make everything all full n happy n lovely n no all its done is make me feel yuk!

So just had to blog n get out the stuff on my mind to help me sleep as I'm in tears here n cant drop off I don't want to gain it all n go back to that person I wanna be free n beautiful n healthy n have a dam life where i have fun doing stuff n fun isn't a meal or a treat of crappy food in frount of a dvd alone forever I wanna find love at some point, but more important than that I wann feel good and be content and its so shite really and oh my god i cant believe I'm being this open n honest in a fecking blog!!!

I'm quite tempted to rewrite or not post this on Fb for people to click on the link but no I'm gonna be real n face the shit for once! Ive done so dam well changed me and this week has been like a bad dream n horrid blast from the past n not worth it so I will be good guarantee to myself to lose as of nest week ( tomorrow forget it!) But I haven't gone that back that I will quit I never want to be like that n am to stubborn so I'm gonna work hard all week. I will never meet someone till I love me n was starting to very slowly n am not killing the relationship I am starting with me, I'm worth more.

So I will prty n drink but will exercise next day n eat very low calories before n day after to make up n balance it like Ive been doing not say sod it, this will be the week to forget and its done Ive been honest Ive cry ed I will face the number tomorrow n move on That's that!

Ps I dunno if i will be honest about how much I gain tomorow ??? I will go though promise just wanna get back on target track asap or i will be gutted.